An estimated one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Earlier this year, mine became one of them. From the moment I knew what was happening, everything felt overwhelming. I retreated to the sofa for 48 hours to rest my body and numb my thoughts with Netflix while my husband kept me topped up with tea and chocolate. However, I knew I couldn’t hide forever from the world. I soon found myself confronted with another issue: How do I tell my family and friends?
The first trimester — that’s three months — of pregnancy is the most volatile. Many pregnant individuals choose not to tell loved ones until the 12-week milestone has passed. My husband and I went the same route, only sharing the news with my parents because I couldn’t contain the excitement. How would I tell them what had happened? They had been just as thrilled as us, and I didn’t want them to be upset or disappointed. Their dreams of becoming grandparents for the first time would have to wait a bit longer.
I also wanted to share with my friends what had occurred. How should I broach the topic when they had no idea I’d even been pregnant? I didn’t want to bring it up out of the blue in case it made things awkward. Similarly, the thought of receiving pitying looks and comments — however well meant — felt unbearable to me.
Eventually, my wariness and uncertainty evolved. I ended up telling a handful of friends when the topic came up in conversation. The same transpired between my husband and his friends. I wish I’d known better approaches. I know I’m not alone, so I turned to experts for their advice.
How do you start the conversation?
Sometimes, knowing how to begin talking about a pregnancy loss is just as challenging as the actual discussion — and those first words will look different for everyone. “Starting a conversation may depend on how vulnerable and open you want to be with the other person,” explains Heidi McBain, a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor. She suggests these openers:
- “I have some devastating news I’d like to talk to you about.”
- “I have some news I’ve started sharing with family and friends.”
- “I have some difficult news to share with you, and I just need you to listen and empathize, not try to fix anything.”
Julianne Boutaleb, a consultant perinatal psychologist and clinical director of Parenthood in Mind, notes that it’s important to have these conversations on your terms. Don’t feel pressured into discussing your pregnancy loss if the time isn’t right. “It might be about saying, ‘Now’s not the right time to speak about this. Can I get back to you later?’” Boutaleb says, adding that “It’s also okay to acknowledge people’s support and messages whilst not getting into the ins and outs of what’s happening for you.”
A problem shared is a problem halved, and talking about a miscarriage is no different. “Sharing [your news] with a trusted friend or family member who gets what’s happening for you can really help,” Boutaleb says. “If we don’t have these sorts of people to share with, the early stages of grief can feel very, very isolating.”
However, Boutaleb notes that replaying the event as you tell more people can also take an emotional toll. “One thing people often tell me is that telling and retelling can feel very traumatizing,” she says. As such, Boutaleb suggests asking your partner or a trusted loved one to help share your news with your wider family and friends. Remember: You don’t have to tell everyone. This is your experience, and you can share it with as many or as few people as you wish.
How do you deal with unhelpful reactions?
One of the factors I found most difficult when telling others was hearing their reactions. “That’s often the part of the grief process that parents find the most difficult — the lack of understanding and insight into what sort of grief they are feeling when they lose a pregnancy or unborn child,” Boutaleb says.
Those who experience miscarriage often find themselves on the receiving end of comments such as “At least you know you can get pregnant” and “Oh, well, at least you weren’t too far along.” These were responses I feared and, in some instances, encountered. They made me feel both sad and frustrated. While statements like these can feel unhelpful or hurtful, “know that [they] are usually coming from a good place,” McBain suggests. “People often struggle with grief and what to say during hard times.”
Generally, I was fortunate to receive considered and thoughtful responses from the people I told about my miscarriage, but for those who aren’t as lucky, Boutaleb suggests reaching out to professional pregnancy loss organizations. “They often have very well-facilitated support groups,” she explains, “where people at different stages of grieving pregnancy can support each other.”
If you need further guidance, join online forums, and ask mental health professionals for pregnancy loss resources. Boutaleb recommends organizations and sites like Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Sands, Miscarriage Association, and Tommy’s.
How should you respond as a loved one?
If you’re a friend, family member, or colleague of someone experiencing pregnancy loss, simple steps may help them feel better. McBain says the first of which is to listen. You might feel the need to talk, perhaps as a form of distraction or in an attempt to cheer your loved one up, but silence is indeed golden in this instance.
“Listen and be a safe space for your friend or family member,” McBain says. “Don’t try to fix their pain, but enter into this hard space, and be with them so they don’t feel so alone.”
It’s also important to consider the entire spectrum of emotions. To outsiders, a pregnancy loss might feel like a short-term physical event, but Boutaleb says it’s vital to understand that for the parents-to-be, seeing beyond the miscarriage can be more difficult. “This is an attachment to a little boy or girl in their mind that they’ve thought about and dreamed about, and perhaps even prepared for — not just in their mind, but buying things for them,” she says. “All of these imagined experiences are lost.”
If you’ve been through a miscarriage yourself and feel comfortable opening up, McBain says sharing your experience could help reassure your loved one that they’re not alone and will get through the experience.
The emotional and physical toll of loss may mean your loved one is struggling with everyday tasks, so consider how you can help. For instance, taking over comfort food — from an extra-cheesy lasagna to a pint of Ben & Jerry’s — will help alleviate the stress of shopping and cooking as well as fill their stomach and heart. Boutaleb suggests that if your loved one has other children, you could “volunteer to look after them so the bereaved parent can rest and have some time to themselves.”
While the physical event of a miscarriage typically lasts only a few days, the emotional pain can last far longer. As such, don’t forget to ask how your loved one is doing over the coming weeks. “Check in, maybe with little messages, sending a card, or offering to take the person out, even if it’s just for a walk,” Boutaleb advises. “Those ongoing messages of support are really important.”
How do you move forward?
No matter how you’re feeling after a pregnancy loss, remember there’s no standard reaction. “Society often has us believe that normal is crying and grieving this loss immediately, which does happen for some people,” McBain says. “Others might feel numb, angry, anxious, lonely, hopeless, and myriad other feelings.”
Grief isn’t an overnight process, and several months after my pregnancy loss, the sadness continues to hit me harder some days. But we don’t need to weather those punches alone. Whether it’s family or friends, a stranger on a pregnancy loss forum, or a professional therapist, others will be there to support you when you’re ready.
Chantelle Pattemore is a London-based writer who has contributed to Men’s Fitness, Best Life, Women’s Health, and Reader’s Digest. Follow her on Twitter @journochantelle.
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