In the Shondaland series Financially Fearless, we’re getting candid about how money impacts everyone’s lives. Our solutions will detail how to boost your financial well-being, trim overspending, craft a budget, and discuss money matters with loved ones.
From the moment we wake up to the time we go to sleep, we are operating in a world run by money. However, many people struggle to talk about finances with the loved one next to them in bed. When it comes to both dating and marriage, freely discussing financial issues can be seen as knuckle-bitingly difficult, and experts agree money matters can make or break a relationship.
“Money and communication about money is one of the major issues that leads people to divorce,” notes Morgan Mouchette, a matrimonial and family law partner at the law firm Blank Rome who believes that money, especially in relationships, is consequential.
Talking about money with your partner, if done in a mindful way, can actually become an act of love. “When we think of relationships, we think of intimacy,” says financial activist Dasha Kennedy. “Financial intimacy should be seen right on the same level with every other form of intimacy that exists in a relationship. This should be a safe and comfortable space.”
Much of the hesitation and nervousness surrounding dollar-based dialogues stems from social norms that have been asserted around couples discussing money, especially in heteronormative relationships. “We grow up with this view that one person takes care of the finances,” Kennedy says, “and that’s why we’re just coming around to having these conversations as a two-person thing and not a one-person thing.”
Whether couples are engaged, married, or something else, talking about money is paramount in committed relationships because these choices may affect each other — both now and in the future. “Very, very often,” Mouchette says, “even though couples may have been living together, they do not have those honest conversations about how they expect to coexist and work as a team financially in their relationship.”
If pursuing marriage, one person in a relationship may have no idea how the other person’s financial background may impact them. Mouchette says that despite the romantic notions of marriage, it’s ultimately a financial partnership sanctioned by the government. “People, for the success of their marriage, need to discuss with each other before they get married how they want that partnership to look,” she notes. “Part of that will inevitably be about what we have, who has what, and how we’re spending our money, but a lot of people don’t have those conversations, and it leads to a lot of problems.”
While the idea of initiating a money talk may induce anxiety, know that a frank conversation can lead to a healthier relationship that sets both parties up for success — as individuals and as a team. Whether you’re married or unmarried, currently working through financial struggles or getting ahead of them, here are the top methods on how to chat about assets, debts, income streams, and other financial topics.
Start early
“We should be talking about money as early as possible in relationships,” Kennedy advises. “No matter how we slice it, money exists in relationships. When we are deciding where we’re going to go on the first date, we only can make the decision based on what we can afford. Money is already happening with the conversation.” She says that at any moment a couple is considering any shared expense, whether it’s adopting a puppy or moving in together, an open and honest conversation is crucial.
Go slow
If a person has debt or a low credit score, it’s not always because they’re bad with money. When it comes to something as personal as financial history, there are many factors at play. Kennedy suggests first removing judgment and replacing it with empathy.
“There is a lot of trauma that surrounds finances,” Kennedy explains, “so a person’s hesitance is not always a sign that they are avoiding certain conversations.” She recommends easing into dialogue by asking, “How do you feel about being open about money with me?”
Use neutral spaces
Discussing money doesn’t have to be a cold and rigid experience. While these can be hard conversations, they can also be full of love and life. Kennedy recommends going on a date with the sole purpose of discussing money. “It can be something that’s romantic,” she says, suggesting a simple activity like a picnic or walk in the park.
“When you are in the right setting and in the right mood, it makes having those conversations 10 times easier versus if you’re sitting at the kitchen table with all of the bills spread out all over the place,” Kennedy says. “The stress level is already rising in my mind just picturing that.” A neutral space, she says, is perfect for leveled conversation.
Break down expenses
In a household, whether you are legally partnered or not, you’re going to have shared expenses. Mouchette says that you can’t come to an agreement about what both of you think is fair to spend if you don’t have the underlying information necessary. She suggests detailing these financial topics before taking the next steps or making a big financial decision together:
- streams of income
- earning amounts
- credit scores
- debts
- assets
- investments
- spending habits
- saving habits
- children and dependents
If you haven’t already, talk through how you’d like to split bills and costs. Mouchette says that many who are unmarried opt to divide contributions proportionally (“or as we call it in law, pro rata”), which is based on income. With this approach, everyone is contributing the same percentage of income to the expenses, but it’s not fifty-fifty unless you’re making the same amount of money. If you plan to get married, you can discuss whether you’d like to share or have separate bank accounts.
Consider history
Often an overlooked topic, family influence is one of the most necessary topics to discuss with a partner, Kennedy notes. Regardless of how well you may know someone now, everyone comes from different backgrounds and upbringings where some specific actions are more financially acceptable than others. For example, in some cultures, it’s common to help or become entirely responsible for parents or siblings. “Ultimately, family influence,” Kennedy says, “will determine money that goes into the household or money that you all can or cannot spend because it has to go somewhere else.”
Before you set out talking about your family histories and influences with your partner, you should spend time owning and understanding your own financial journey. “Reflect back on the lessons that you yourself have learned and how you feel about yourself before you worry about how another person feels about you,” says certified financial therapist Amanda Clayman, who adds that it’s vital to identify the feelings you have about obstacles that you have previously faced and may experience with your partner.
“If we had a parent who was really punitive and controlling with money,” Clayman says, “we might be on such high alert all the time that even a whiff of dominance and control may be perceived as happening even when it’s not.”
Similarly, if you were denied your needs or wants regularly as a child, you might feel the need to act out on any impulse you have with money. “A lot of times, there’s all of this old stuff that’s coming up and being enacted,” Clayman says. “Nobody tends to inflame that more than a person that we’re really close with.” You can prepare yourselves to overcome these challenges together by understanding your own history and being transparent with your loved one.
Make common goals
Clayman says that when it comes to committed relationships, couples are not only assessing how much they care about their partner but also how interested they are in being on a team with them. “It’s really about adding another skill set to your life,” she says, “in the form of another person.”
Kennedy calls this financial compatibility. “It doesn’t mean that me and this person think the exact same way about money or make the exact same amount of money,” she says. “What that means is me and this person have shared values and goals.” You may have different upbringings, habits, and approaches when it comes to money, but when it comes to making financial decisions together, she says you should have “shared objectives around finances and how we, as a couple, will achieve them.”
Shared values and goals can include planning to retire at a certain age with a certain amount of money, financially supporting your children, paying down debt, and buying a home. “My major suggestion here,” Mouchette says, “would be to really understand what your partner’s vision of the future looks like with you as a financial partner.”
Set a schedule
After becoming clear on your financial vision and virtues, get on the same page about when you want your dreams to become a reality. “I think the economy today shows that you really need to be nimble,” Mouchette says. For example, she cites how drafting a timeline together can be crucial: “If you waffled about buying a house over the last two years, you may no longer have the opportunity to buy a house because the interest rates are so high, and it may not be feasible for you.”
Break down your individual and joint ambitions into what you want to achieve in the near future and down the road. “Understanding your partner’s short- and long-term financial goals ultimately dictates what they may be willing to do,” Mouchette says, “and the lifestyle they’re willing to sign onto for your household is based on those goals.”
If one or both partners have significant student loan or credit card debt, for instance, it’s important that the other person knows their psychology around paying off that debt. “Do they see their student loans as something that they’re going to pay off in 20 years?” Mouchette says. “Or is it something that they’re willing to make a lot of short-term sacrifices in order to pay that debt off sooner rather than later?” Each person in the relationship should have an idea of how their current or future finances will be utilized.
Establish roles
“Most couples already have an understanding of who will handle what in the relationship,” Kennedy says. “But now the question becomes: What happens when those roles reverse?”
If both of you are working but one has a larger income than the other, or if one of you is a full-time stay-at-home parent while the other works, it is vital to discuss financial dynamics and how each of you would feel if you wanted to — or had to — swap roles. “When I think of topics that we should not avoid,” Kennedy says, “it is the under-the-surface things that can change over time.”
If one partner takes a step back in their career, Mouchette says that it is very important for them to advocate for themselves and have an understanding of how the other person views that contribution to the marriage. “Sometimes, the spouse who’s earning the money outside the home,” she notes, “does not see it that way.” Mouchette says it’s key to drill down on making sure there is adequate respect for all contributions in all roles in your home, whether they are earning income or not.
Be honest
If one partner sees their income as their money and the other sees it as the couple’s money, this should be discussed. “Without this conversation before you get married,” Mouchette says, “that difference in perspective about your income can be a major issue in your marriage, especially if there’s an income disparity.”
American states consider marriage to be a financial partnership regardless of where you live, and every dollar you earn after you’re wed is marital property and divisible in a divorce. This is why it’s important to think about how each of you views your income before you get married.
While it’s often seen as a taboo topic, prenuptial agreements prompt these necessary dialogues before arriving at the altar. With a prenup, it can be decided that money earned after marriage will be legally separate. “Not every couple needs a prenuptial agreement, but every couple needs to have a conversation about their financial partnership,” Mouchette says. “Couples who do have a prenuptial agreement are forced to have that conversation before you get married.”
Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter at @hotmessmia.
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