When was the last time you delighted in the feeling of someone letting you in on a little secret? A large chunk of time spent together with friends in adulthood and even in romantic relationships can too easily slip into catch-up sessions. Lighthearted connection and bonds built through activities like sleepover games and passed notes are slices of long-gone joy that continue to be important.
“We don’t always think about the ways that we can actually deepen our friendships and our romantic partners,” says Joy Harden Bradford, a clinical psychologist, author of the forthcoming book Sisterhood Heals, and host of the mental health podcast Therapy for Black Girls. “Sharing secrets is a way to do that.”
Letting someone in on an unexpected tidbit about yourself can bring you closer in surprising ways. Michael Tennant, the founder and CEO of Curiosity Lab and the creator behind the Actually Curious question game, knows this well. The first batch of cards designed to bridge gaps between people sold out within one week. Tennant believes revealing secrets can increase empathy, community, compassion, and connection. “What makes a best friend,” he notes, “is someone that you can trust with your secrets.”
Why is sharing our secrets — even the ones that aren’t deep and dark — so difficult? “Secrets are largely born out of shame,” Bradford notes. Oftentimes, people withhold information because they are afraid of being judged for their likes, dislikes, or choices. “There are two different types of shame,” Tennant adds. “Shame around doing something that you know to be wrong and that you also agree is wrong, and shame around things that some people may perceive as wrong, but you don’t necessarily internally feel is wrong.”
The latter, whether a shared belief or not, can be a portal to levity and frivolity in your life. An idea someone holds close to their chest may border on joy. Bradford says that confessions about past or current crushes, activities, passions, dreams, and fantasies can engage a sense of play that we often forget or disconnect from as we become adults.
“The beautiful thing about [revealing a secret],” Tennant says, “is you feel this fear and discomfort, almost like you’re about to do a roller-coaster ride for the first time, and then you go through, and you’re like, ‘Whoa, I did that. And I survived.’” When you share, it can give the other person courage. “Now they have permission to take a risk.”
Whether you wear your heart on or under your sleeve, sharing a personal sentiment can be daunting. On the other side of that fear, though, can be increased intimacy. By being vulnerable with someone dear to you or a person you wish were closer, you are allowing them to see a part of you that other people haven’t, which increases trust in the relationship. “You don’t tell a secret with the idea that it’s going to get out, right?” Bradford says. “The idea is that this person is not going to share it.”
Besides trusting someone to keep your secret, you’re also trusting that they can hold positive or neutral feelings — or match your emotion surrounding it. “It may not be something that you’re excited about,” Bradford points out, “but I don’t think the moment they tell you is the time to challenge that.” Whether or not you agree, it’s always important to be thoughtful in your reaction. “Let people know that they’re safe for trusting you with that secret,” Tennant says. “Honor that person’s risk.”
While confessing your childhood love or frisky fantasy can create a giddy moment of pleasure in and of itself, it’s still helpful to be discerning about with whom you share information. “Think about the level of trust that is or is not established,” Tennant says, “for your own good as well. Not all secrets are meant to be told to everyone nor to every friend. You can deepen trust gradually, so start out light.”
For Tennant, making secrets fun again is about acknowledging that it can be a positive act. “With friends of mine who grew up in really strict homes, we’re almost taught to make things secrets, and we could have used a safe space to explore with people.” Carving out the psychological safety to share the deepest parts of yourselves with one another is breeding ground for a good time — and a real relationship.
Sharing a common or not-so-common hardship can be an opportunity to be seen as your true self. “[What] really gets people’s goosebumps going,” Tennant says, “and [elicits] both an emotional and physiological response is when people feel seen more than they thought they needed — or than they knew they needed.” If someone wants to share more or learn more, here are a few ways to initiate a “secret session” with friends.
Host adult sleepovers
Creating the physical space and time to indulge in each other’s company is rich grounds for goofy or mischievous admissions to organically unfold, especially in an intimate setting. “We’re all so busy rushing from thing to thing, town to town, and work trip to work trip,” Bradford says, “that we don’t always set aside time to have these long, extended sessions with our girlfriends or whoever we’re sharing the secrets with.”
Bradford is a proponent of grown-up slumber parties. Conjure the childlike excitement of staying up late and reveling in possibilities by inviting a few friends or a small group of pals over for an extended period of time. “That’s where you see [opening up] happen because it interrupts the daily flow of life,” she says. “I’m not going to just call you on a random Wednesday and tell you this juicy secret because then I [have] to pick up the kids.”
If staying up late or staying over at a friend’s house isn’t your vibe, go beyond a quick check-in call by planning a weekend getaway or a wine night in. Context setting is a daring way to pump up the moment and really allow someone in. It’s also important to understand that not everyone is prepared to hear a disclosure. If it’s more sensitive, check in and make sure the other person has the capacity for it at that moment. “Be sure that you’re ready to share it,” Tennant says. “No remorse after. If you’re ready to share it, then stand in your integrity.”
Gamify it
Whip out or invest in a few tabletop card games created with question asking and relationship building in mind, such as We’re Not Really Strangers or Tennant’s Actually Curious. Depending on whom you’re hoping to expand your relationship with over a round, there are special editions designed just for couples or even with specific themes for family and friends. For a lively dash of nostalgia, you can also suggest a round of classic games like Truth or Dare, Never Have I Ever, and Hot Seat.
“It really helps to prompt,” Bradford suggests, “because you might be thinking, ‘What kind of secret do I even have to share?’” Humans are complex, and there is more than likely a number of sentiments you’ve yet to exchange with the people who are important in your life. For those who may be more hesitant to spill, when everyone is participating, it can encourage them to relax and open up in a thrilling way.
If you have ambitions to go deeper, you can go there gradually. “Be aware of the context,” Tennant says. “When you’re taking a risk and stretching to disclose a little bit more than that relationship has experienced before, if you feel it’s right, then trust yourself.”
Experience a secret together
There’s always something new to learn about the people who are meaningful to you. “Even with your romantic partner,” Bradford says, “there’s bound to be stuff they don’t know about you.” More life brings more experiences, and excitement is waiting to be unearthed and discovered. Continuing to get to know the people in your life will serve you and your relationship.
You can playfully incorporate secrets into pre-existing engagements, like dates or birthdays, or you can make the experience a daring secret itself. In a relationship, you can leave each other sexy notes, plan alternating surprise date nights, or try new things in bed. With friends, go skinny-dipping or streaking, or do an activity out of your comfort zone together and keep it between yourselves.
“If you can think back to your earliest best friend,” Tennant says, “it’s someone who you have an inside language or some shared experience with. Oftentimes, those bonds come through experiencing a secret together.”
Tennant calls this “stretching the emotional container of the relationship,” and he compares connections with others to a rubber band. “Some rubber bands, if you stretch it even a little bit or if they’re old or brittle, they’ll break right away,” he explains. “You have some rubber bands that you can stretch a lot, and it will come back to the same form, and it’s pliable. I always think about the elasticity. [Those are] the healthiest relationships, and that’s what you have with best friends.”
Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter at @hotmessmia.
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