This month at Shondaland, we’re celebrating once again what the holidays mean to all with our Food, Family, and Traditions series. These snapshots and vignettes from many of our beloved Shondaland stars, pals, and fans festively affirm the importance of communities both big and small coming together to celebrate.
Think your holiday travel routine is intense? You probably have nothing on Bella Duncan. “I go to six different places on Christmas Day,” she tells Shondaland. “It’s insane, and it’s always been like that.”
Duncan, who lives in Sydney, Australia, is the adult daughter of divorced parents, and in order to give both sides of her family equal attention on the holiday, divides up her time with a tightly disciplined schedule. “It’s a lot of checking your phone,” says Duncan, who blogs about her experiences at A Kid With Two Homes. “‘What time is it? When do I need to leave? Can I stay for dessert?’ It’s an interesting time for my brother and I because we feel like Ping-Pong balls in a car for the majority of the day.”
While six visits in one day is no doubt more good tidings and cheer than most of us will be spreading on any given year, Duncan’s decision to divide up her time with both sides of her family is hardly uncommon among adults whose parents are divorced. Winter holidays are often the rare few times a year when most everyone is off work and physically can be together. Coupled with cultural expectations that all but demand we spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other big holidays with family, pressure to see Mom and Dad can be intense. But when Mom and Dad don’t live together — or worse, can’t stand each other — deciding where to go can make the already stressful holiday season a fraught, nerve-racking experience.
“It is exceptionally common,” says Erin Levine, founder and CEO of Hello Divorce, a resource meant to make the divorce process “kinder and easier” for everyone involved. She says that even in the best-case scenario, adult children of divorced parents can feel torn or conflicted about where they spend holidays, fearing that picking one place will be interpreted as rejecting the other. But it can get way, way messier, with some parents using active guilt trips and even threats or blackmail — cutting off tuition, for example — to cajole kids to be with them for Turkey Day or other holidays.
“I’ve heard of parents saying, ‘Don’t you want to be with me?’ or ‘She destroyed this family,’ or ‘Your grandmother is getting ill, and she wants to see you.’ [The children] don’t want to disappoint their parents, and there’s always this push and pull, especially when they live in different places,” Levine says.
There’s a reason this piece speaks only of adult children. Actual children, Levine says, shouldn’t be given a choice and should be told where they’re going to spend the holidays (provided it’s a safe space). Eliminating choice for them helps mitigate or eliminate any potential feelings of guilt or manipulation; they go where the guardian says they’ll go, ideally in a system that’s equitable to both parents and relatives.
Grown children, however, don’t get off so easily: They have to choose, which inevitably means one parent isn’t going to get what they want. “People who are anxious or empaths struggle the most,” Levine says. “They’re the most racked with guilt. They start overanalyzing, almost making these pro and con lists, which tend to be about other parents. The stuff we see in our parents that we don’t like, such as manipulations — they are even more amplified when our parents are scared or lonely.”
As anxiety-inducing as the situation can be, there are ways to mitigate it with grace so you can actually enjoy yourself. After all, holidays are supposed to be merry, right?
Acknowledge that this is not easy
“Don’t beat yourself up,” Levine says. You don’t have to articulate it, but the reality is that you didn’t ask for or create this situation, and no matter what you do, someone’s going to be disappointed. By now, you’re probably well aware that your parents are human, not perfect, and prone to acting out or being petty like everyone else. Though you are responsible for approaching this relationship with some kindness and respect, you are not responsible for your parents’ feelings about your choices. “You get to decide,” she says. “It’s your holidays too. We have busy lives too.”
Announce where you’re going to go ahead of time
Be firm. Something like “Here’s what my plans are” sets the tone and lets everyone know what you’ve decided. If someone counters with “You always go there,” or “We used to …,” give yourself a moment to acknowledge their feelings and possible frustration; these people love you and want to see you, even if you’re feeling a bit yanked around. You can make them feel heard with something like “I understand how you feel; I wish I could be in two places at once, but I can’t” and reassert your decision. Levine cautions against using the word “pick,” as in “Here’s where I picked to go this year.” As she puts it, “The words ‘picking’ and ‘choosing’ are triggering, and it’s going to make someone feel like they lost.”
Create your own traditions and rituals
This is by far the simplest and potentially most fun way to deal with a multi-home holiday season: Make your own traditions and holiday rituals. “Christmas doesn’t need to be one day,” says Duncan. “I can do Boxing Day. Or Christmas Eve. Or the week before.” Indeed, there’s no law that says you have to celebrate Thanksgiving on the actual fourth Thursday in November; you could do Thanksgiving with Dad, and Black Friday shopping and a spa day with Mom. Or say you’re hosting the holiday at your home or going to Costa Rica, and whoever would like to join can. The point is that you get to decide.
While Duncan chooses to make her Christmas Day a marathon sprint, she points out that the secret to making it work is less about the amount of time spent where she is and more about the quality of that time.
“I’d make this really big point about being present,” she says. “Focus on what you can control. And what you can control is how you maneuver through the day. If you want to go to all those places, then it’s in your hands. But at the end of the day, you should never feel responsible for your parents’ happiness or other people’s enjoyment of the day. You’re only in control of yourself.”
Malcolm Venable is a Senior Staff Writer at Shondaland. Follow him on Twitter @malcolmvenable.
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