It’s cuffing season — that time of year when single people are ready to stop serial swiping and find the one to stick with. Yet finding a new bae can be easier said than done; dating, especially in this uniquely interesting time, can really suck. Of course, people use all kinds of techniques and tactics to find a new boo: apps, going to clubs and bars, matchmakers, asking friends — you name it. Yet there’s another simple but somewhat unorthodox method people use to nab The One: literally thinking them up, or in more formal language, manifesting them.
“Through manifesting and tapping into your own energy, you can find what you want,” says Lisa Stardust, the renowned astrologer who recently released The Love Deck: 70 Cards to Ignite Attraction, Passion, and Romance, a deck of beautifully illustrated cards that guide users through attracting love (and keeping it). “It’s about putting the energy out there.”
The idea of manifesting a partner or romantic relationship merely through the power of one’s own thoughts might sound out there or woo-woo, but manifesting, as a broader concept, is an age-old practice stretching back for generations, if not millennia. It’s the fundamental idea in the best-selling book The Secret, and popular ideas like the “law of attraction” have become so mainstream, they’re understood without much explanation.
Practitioners of manifesting assert that by using the power of our own mind, we can call into existence the things we want in life, whether it’s money or a better job, a new place to live, or as Stardust’s Love Deck advises, a romantic partner. “The power is within you,” she tells Shondaland. “When we talk about manifestation, it’s the idea that you have the power to make your dreams happen.”
Stardust’s Love Deck is designed to “gain clarity around your emotions and romantic sentiments,” it says, to help bring thoughts, desires, and actions into alignment, since one of the basic principles of manifesting is to know what you want. Knowing what you want sounds simple, but Stardust and other practitioners of manifesting hold that most of us are typically confused or murky about what we really want, one reason our most authentic desires tend to evade us.
In that way, manifesting love is fairly straightforward: You just focus on what you want. Manifesting takes that a few steps further by employing techniques and tools, which can include everything from breathwork to oils and crystals. The Love Deck is full of what Stardust calls magic — affirmations (one is “I will open my heart,” which you’re supposed to say while looking in the mirror) and even actual love spells, like one to attract a new lover with rose quartz crystal, rose petals, Epsom salts, and honey. “It’s really important to have [love] on the forefront of your consciousness,” she says, if that’s what you want. “You have to hold that vision in your mind. If you want something, you can make it real.”
To manifest love, devotees unanimously suggest writing down everything you want in a partner, being as specific as possible. It’s less about “drives a BMW” and more about values, traits, and lifestyle. Does your person believe in a higher power? Are they active and fit? What’s important to them — travel, service, partying? Being honest with yourself about who you are and exactly what you’re looking for helps bring someone into your life, manifesting experts say; after that, you want to visualize yourself with this person — even creating the sensation in your body and mind that they’re already here. It’s powerful stuff, and many people say they can attest to the efficacy of manifesting firsthand.
“You’ve always been manifesting,” says Kathleen Cameron, whose book Becoming the One chronicles how she went from a personal rut to a thriving multimillion-dollar career and business as a life coach by manifesting it. One way manifesters like her offer proof that the practice works is by asking you to simply look at your life now. Where you are, what you have, how much you earn, et cetera, are all a consequence of decisions you made, decisions formed by ideas you had that you acted on. In other words, they say, you manifested where you are now whether you know it or not, and it’s just as easy to create a new reality.
“Thoughts create reality,” Cameron says. “How many times have you heard someone say, ‘I hate my job,’ and then they got fired? If you focus your thoughts on what you want, you start to notice the evidence, the synchronicities. But they’re not coincidences — it’s the universe responding to what you say you want.”
Of course, the flip side of this belief is that it implies that the undesirable parts of our lives are that way because we somehow asked for them to be that way, or just didn’t want the good enough, and anyone who’s been unlucky in love might find that a little hurtful. Nobody, for example, is visualizing a painful divorce when they’re at the altar saying, “I do,” in front of friends and family, and it’s fair to say that anyone who’s having trouble meeting suitable partners has done a lot of thinking about finding someone already. Manifestation experts explain the disconnect between manifesting and a lack of results in a number of ways. “Some things are not meant for you,” says Stardust. “There have been a lot of jobs that I wanted that I didn’t get; that wasn’t the path I was most aligned with and would be happiest with. Things happen for a reason.”
She doesn’t mean that someone who hasn’t seen results is destined to be alone, necessarily; maybe you’re not actually as ready for a relationship as you think you are, or maybe the person you thought would be right for you isn’t. Maybe your person is on the other side of the country and hasn’t moved to your town yet. “Good things do happen if you’re patient,” Stardust says.
Unsurprisingly, these ideas don’t have scientific merit, at least in Western science. And given that many self-proclaimed experts are charging tens of thousands of dollars to help people manifest money, homes, and other dream luxuries, some skeptics say the practice is little more than fantasy.
“As a psychologist, I understand why this would be appealing,” says Stuart Vyse, a behavioral scientist and author who contributes to the science and reason magazine Skeptical Inquirer. He’s written books about superstition and believing in magic; his latest, The Uses of Delusion, examines how even rational people can put reason aside in day-to-day thinking, to their detriment. “If you took the opposite view, that nothing is ever going to happen that you want, you would never get out of bed in the morning. You can’t just make things materialize.” He says that people who put stock in manifesting are often operating under confirmation bias — the tendency to interpret events or new information in ways that align with what they already believe. “[Manifesting] is a dream come true for those who believe it. It’s an easy fix because all you have to do is believe,” Vyse says.
Manifesting may not have much merit in scientific communities, but then neither does faith or religion — practices that are deeply personal and to some, proven to work. Today, when more Americans are embracing New Age beliefs than ever, people are more willing to accept that there are unexplained mysteries in life and elements to our existence that extend beyond what we can see. And people who manifest say that you don’t actually need to pay anyone to do it, and contrary to what Vyse says, true manifesting requires action. Says Cameron, “A lot of people think you focus on what you want, and that’s not really it. It’s who. You need to become the version of you that is in line with your desires.”
It takes more than just dreaming about your partner to find them, experts say. “If you’re trying to attract love,” says Stardust, “you should always be flirting with people. You have to do work to get what you want. You can’t just say you want something and sit at home all day eating potato chips.”
Examples of “work” in this context include using dating apps, going out to places where you might find the partner you’re looking for, and actively telling your friends about the specific type of person you’re looking to meet.
These, Stardust says, are clear signals that you’re serious about what you want, and create the energy of momentum. Sarah Potter, a self-described medium and witch, agrees. “Manifesting is turning thoughts and ideas into tangible reality and making desire real,” she says. “It’s not just ‘I want a million dollars,’ and then you have a million dollars. Wouldn’t that be grand? To me, manifesting is having that mindset that gets you to planning,” which in turn sets you on the path to get what you want.
Ironically, the experts say that manifesting love requires doing what we’ve all heard one way or another forever: focusing on yourself. “Have compassion for yourself,” Stardust says. “Start thinking, ‘How can I be a better partner, attract a better group of friends?’” After all, nobody wants to be with someone who’s coming off as bitter, needy, or negative, even if your sucky love life has given you a right to be.
Conversely, people who project a happy, upbeat attitude, confidence, a sense of fun, and a genuine (platonic) love for all people naturally attract others because people want to be around them. “A lot of people skip the important steps in manifesting,” Stardust says. “They want to put a Band-Aid on things. It’s a journey. It’s not something that happens overnight. It’s important to be the best version of yourself and to love yourself no matter what.”
Malcolm Venable is a Senior Staff Writer at Shondaland. Follow him on Twitter @malcolmvenable.
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