From social anxiety to how we value our time, post-pandemic living comes with its own set of particulars. In our Shondaland series Back to Life, Back to Reality, we’re exploring the ways people are adjusting to reentering a world with fewer Covid restrictions.
For single people, the fiercest days of the pandemic were the best of times and the worst of times. On the one hand, being alone forced the unattached to reflect, maybe face some demons, and get to know ourselves better. And for people who enjoy solitude and quiet time alone, knowing they didn’t have to isolate alongside a house full of people who’d inevitably drive them berserk seemed like a relief. Conversely, it got lonely. A lot of singles spent many days in 2020 longing for the robust dating life they had prior: meeting for a drink, flirting, that rush of endorphins from a first kiss, and all the other hallmarks of intimacy — poof! Gone. The promise of a vaccine brought forth dreams of a post-vax “hot summer” full of romance and even decadence; post-pandemic dating, we all figured, would be joyous and fulfilling.
Yeah, not so much.
It turns out that dating post-vax is pretty crappy — perhaps even crappier than it was before, and for a variety of reasons.
“It’s taken people a while to get back in the groove,” says Tammy Shaklee, a relationship and matchmaking expert. She says that many of her clients report an overwhelming sense of anxiousness, awkwardness, and malaise around dating now. “Singles who were first craving [dating] are showing up as ‘I don’t know who I am.’ It’s a little bit of a roller coaster. Everyone’s a bit on edge.”
Some have called it “hesidating.” Some came out of a long-term relationship during Covid and weren’t as ready to date as they expected. Others are making up for lost time, flinging themselves from one person to the next without much thought. Others’ attention spans are still short-circuited from 2020 and just fall off for reasons even they can’t explain. Individual reasons vary, but the net result is the same: Singles are running into roadblocks they hadn’t anticipated. Says Shaklee: “[Clients] are struggling equally.”
Why’s it so tough out there now? Here are some reasons why.
There’s a lot going on in the world
For a while, it seemed like we were dealing with one doomsday scenario after another. January 6. Ukraine. A horrible mass shooting, then another. (And so many more.) Covid variants, the Roe v. Wade abortion ruling, global warming, inflation, monkeypox: A string of unpleasant news for years on top of the pandemic has left a lot of people feeling depleted or numb, naturally tainting the dating pool with people who aren’t at their best. “We all just powered through an experience nobody could give us advice on,” says Charreah Jackson, a dating and life coach who consults on relationships for apps, including MeetMe and Tagged. While studies she’s worked on showed that some 59 percent of singles were expecting to date more this summer, none could have predicted a string of back-to-back bummers. “Most people feel like this ‘back to normal’ was coming, and it’s not,” she says.
People forgot how to act
Like zoo animals released back into the wild, many people are having trouble readjusting to their natural habitat. It’s not news that anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and other mental health issues spiked during the worst days of the pandemic; it’s not like they went away overnight, either. Even things as simple as dining out have taken on a different tone. “I’ve had date feedback that people’s manners aren’t what they used to be,” Shaklee says. Talking while chewing, hostility with wait staff, not showing up on time fully and appropriately dressed — the rules of engagement are in a state of flux as we all reset on how to behave. People are rusty with communicating too. “I’m hearing there’s a lot of lack of ‘new,’” Shaklee says. “Those fresh stories and life experiences you used to bring to a first or second date — conferences, social interactions — have fallen flat.” With travel robust again and in-person events stabilizing, people are slowly relearning how to act like adults, but it’s slow going.
People got more rigid about who they are and what they want
In general, singles adopted a “This is me; take it or leave it” mood, which, depending on how you look at it, can be an expression of healthy confidence or … doubling down when some change might be in order. Dating experts tend to agree that singles became more resolute about their love life during Covid’s most intense days, vowing to get what they really want without compromise. “People’s tolerance is not as high,” Jackson says. “That’s not a bad thing; you had time with yourself to get clear. Particularly for people who quarantined alone, they were like, ‘Let me get more serious.’” That’s a good thing — mostly. But it also means that people on the receiving end of this seriousness will encounter someone who might’ve made their mind up about someone else based on one date, which may not be the best barometer of compatibility. Which leads us to …
How to make dating great again
Knowing the dating landscape is hard for everyone right now should make the situation seem not as bleak. Shaklee recommends taking some baby steps, and maybe not forming judgments based on one date. “Think about one of your best friends,” she says. “Did you know in the first five minutes you’d be best friends? No. You have shared experiences, and start to form a bond. You don’t know if it’s going to be a match in the first five minutes. Singles should have an open mind.”
Jackson is even more optimistic, saying that, despite all the challenges, this is the best time to be dating. Embrace the fact that things aren’t like before, and go forth with confidence. “Take the pressure off,” she says, suggesting singles date multiple people at once to really get to know what you want. And to just have fun. “It can boost your confidence and remind yourself, ‘I have options.’ Be encouraged. You’re not by yourself, and you’re not crazy.”
Malcolm Venable is a Senior Staff Writer at Shondaland. Follow him on Twitter @malcolmvenable.
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