Sometimes the best salve for the soul is gathering with our favorite people. A magical way to connect with others is through celebration, and Shondaland’s Let’s Party! Summer Fun, Food, and Beverages series is your personal guide to creatively entertaining and communing this season. Cheers!
Summer is almost here! Which, depending on your comfort level at this still-kinda-strange time, means parties, gatherings, get-togethers, and shindigs. Yay! Yet this moment in time is marked not only by anxieties about you-know-what, but also what seems like a total collapse of basic manners and good etiquette. Maybe it’s because being sequestered for a year and a half messed with people’s brains. Or maybe it’s always been like this, and we’re only seeing incidents play out because everybody has a video camera in their pocket now.
Whatever the case, it sure does seem like folks have lost their ever-loving minds, as evidenced by what seems like constant misbehavior in the skies and on land. But it doesn’t have to be this way: As the saying goes, we can be the change we wish to see by modeling decent behavior and hope everybody around us follows suit. As you host or attend summer soirees this season, here are some etiquette refreshers for our modern times from the experts.
Confused about masking? Ask, and don’t make a big deal of it
However you personally feel about masking restrictions being lifted or guidelines in your community, the reality is that some people are going to want to wear one, and some won’t. While you always have the option to stay home, those who prefer masks or going without should ask about the policy at an event beforehand and respect it. Etiquette expert Elaine Swann says she’s hearing a lot of clients and party planners talk about how tricky the issue has become, and she has some common-sense ground rules.
“People are asking, ‘What if I’m invited, and I want to wear my mask — can I do so without making others feel offended?’ Wear your mask. Own the space you’re in. Let the host know you appreciate the invitation — it’s not personal, and you’re taking precautions for yourself — just let the host know in advance.” On the flip side, people who wear masks should keep their judgment, finger-wagging, and comments about others’ decision to go maskless to themselves. “It’s a choice. We should respect others’ decisions.”
Make your greeting Covid-friendly
Similarly, a lot of people are freaked out by hugs and even handshakes now, and that’s okay. Says entertaining expert Paul Zahn, who’s thrown bashes for entertainers including Pitbull, Fergie, and Cynthia Erivo, “I’d advise people to ask permission before approaching personal space.” Greet them however they prefer, he says, whether it’s a hug, handshake, or fist bump. “People’s comfort level is still a priority.”
Be a good host and a good guest
Swann says she’s seen an uptick in people who are hosting a party asking guests to contribute via Venmo or Cash App. That’s not a good look. “When you host, you’re supposed to take care of everything,” she says. “If you’re inviting people to a party, you should not be asking people to help pay for a meal.” Period.
Swann says guests in someone’s home should practice good etiquette by knowing the dress code in advance (“So you’re not in heels on their carpet”), and hosts should let guests know if it’s a shoes-at-the-door household so people can get their hosiery sorted beforehand. Another good tip: Get permission before taking pictures inside someone’s house. It is not okay to wander around someone’s place snapping selfies, she says, and definitely not cool to be all up in their closets playing with their nice handbags and such without asking.
Yes, you should bring a gift to a house party
“Never show up empty-handed,” says Zahn. “You don’t have to break the bank. You can bring something as simple as a bag of ice. Or a framed picture of you and your friend. A mint plant.” Of course, it’s almost always fine to bring a bottle of libation — unopened, please — unless the host does not want alcohol in their home, or the host is doing a super-fancy catered event and specifically tells you not to. Speaking of libations …
Be mindful of drinking — your own and your guests’
First and foremost, “never ask people why they’re not drinking,” Zahn says. “That’s none of your business. When somebody says they’re not drinking, you say, ‘I have this lovely spritz that’s perfect for you,’” and serve them a nonalcoholic beverage. If you’re the host, you can probably do a little bit better than just giving them juice or soda; nonalcoholic drinks are increasingly popular. On the flip side, sometimes guests can have a little too much to drink, and in certain settings — a really nice venue, someone’s home — it might be cause for action.
Swann says that those who indulge should remember to pace themselves (“Think of it like a work event where there’s a two-drink maximum”), and if someone’s overserved, scale them back. Perhaps you can make their next drink heavy on the mixer with just a splash of liquor or shift the direction of the evening by transitioning to a coffee bar with whipped cream and other goodies. If someone’s completely unruly, though, the host has an obligation to act. “Help them,” Swann says. “Say, ‘Hey, I called you an Uber,’ instead of sending them out drunk with keys in hand. Make sure they get home safely, and keep others safe from them as well.”
Accidents happen — be chill about it
In an ideal world, nobody would ever make a mistake, drop anything, or spill something, but that’s not real. “Set your mindset that there might be accidents, spills, rips or tears,” Swann says. “We’re always supposed to handle them graciously, not make them feel bad.” If it’s you who made a boo-boo, do what you can to fix it, apologize, and move on. “Don’t start talking to four and five people about what happened. The more you talk about it, the more you keep it alive. Don’t let it take over the evening. Keep quiet, and enjoy the rest of the party.”
Malcolm Venable is a Senior Staff Writer at Shondaland. Follow him on Twitter @malcolmvenable.
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