Friendships are love stories, too. In the Shondaland series The Art of Friendship, we explore and appreciate the beauty and complexities of friendship, as well as what makes it so powerful. From expert tips on how to build friendships and navigate conflicts to uplifting moments of connection, these stories are reminders of the joy, value, and meaning that companionship brings to our lives.
It was the first year of high school. Two teenagers — unsure of their new surroundings — sat on assigned numbers painted on the ground outside during gym class. The girl turned around to say hello to the boy, so he said hello back. This is how Reginé Gilbert and Jarrod Lawrence became friends for the first time.
When Reginé told Jarrod that he had something in his nose, her candid nature and youthful confidence instantly intrigued him. Their friend status quickly upgraded to best-friend status once they began hanging out daily, attending school dances together, going to tapings of televisions shows in their shared hometown of Oxnard, California, and acting as an inseparable duo at their classmates’ parties. They later learned that they were both creative and independent individuals in a world that did not celebrate such qualities, and for this, they did not fit in with others — but they did fit in with each other.
Unlike some friendships that are brewed up in the web of proximity during high school, theirs didn’t dwindle once they went their separate ways for college in the ’90s. They stayed in touch every week via phone calls and letters, talking about life as well as their first loves, both of which were unrequited and yearslong.
After college, Jarrod moved to West Hollywood to work in the entertainment business, and Reginé lived in Las Vegas but traveled to Los Angeles often to visit Jarrod. During one of those trips, Reginé met Jarrod’s new boyfriend, Sheldon. What Jarrod once loved about Reginé’s candid nature and youthful confidence faded when she told him over the phone soon after that something didn’t seem right about Jarrod’s new beau. Jarrod hung up on Reginé in frustration and anger. As quickly as they became friends, their friendship ended.
Reginé missed her best friend deeply as life moved on and she continued the journey of growing up and growing older, but without him. She moved from Las Vegas to New York City to pursue her dream of working in the fashion industry, experiencing the new things that life had to offer. Six years later, Reginé received a message on Facebook out of the blue. It was from Jarrod.
“I’m in Vegas, looking for you,” it said. “Turns out you live in New York. I’m sorry. You were right. I’ll be in New York in September. I’ll understand if you won’t see me. I miss us. I miss laughing with you. I’m staying near Bryant Park. I hope I see you.”
After nearly six years without talking, the minute Jarrod and Reginé met up in New York it was as if no time had passed at all. Many things had happened in both of their lives, but it felt natural to pick back up with each other and share their stories: Jarrod ended his relationship with Sheldon after several years together and left his job in entertainment to pursue writing. Reginé’s father passed away, and she had survived cancer. Most importantly, they talked through what had happened between them when things ended abruptly and discovered they could not and did not want to live life without each other.
With another hello, this time from Jarrod, they became friends for the second time. Since rekindling their friendship, Jarrod and Reginé, now 44, speak on the phone every week — just like they did during college. Reginé says that the two friends have an emotional connection that “cannot be fabricated in new friendships” and that their connection is rooted in support and accountability for all that they dream of doing. Jarrod says that “her turning around on that number to say hello to the big, fat, gay, weird kid was the exact moment ‘Jarrod’s high school’ life started.”
There is something indescribably special about the people who knew you long before you became the person you are today. The ones who have grown up with you, who know your family and your history, who were there for your firsts and understand what makes you who you are. Friendship reconnections are possible and can transform our lives for the better.
During the pandemic, author and connection coach Kat Vellos had droves of readers in her community share that they had reconnected with old friends, Reginé being one of them.
“It’s been so optimistic,” the writer and illustrator behind We Should Get Together and Connected From Afar says via email. “The lovely thing about rekindling an existing friendship is that you and the person that you’re reaching out to already have some shared history. You probably have some happy memories of experiences that you shared together, some old inside jokes, and some shared references that you might look back on fondly, so it’s fertile ground for planting seeds to create a new season for your friendship in the present moment.”
Reconnecting after time apart is not always an easy venture, but harvesting a new, deeper connection after you’ve grown into the person you are today can be rewarding, worthwhile, and life-giving. Saori Okada, 30, another reader in Vellos’ community, shared over email that she experienced this feeling when she reconnected with one of her childhood friends, Marii.
“Marii was one of my dear friends growing up in Tokyo, Japan. While we always kept in touch over the years, it was often in spurts of text exchanges every six months,” she says. “Often the usual ‘How’s life?’ [and] ‘Good. You?’ suspects that we can all fall victim to when you are not living in the same city.”
While the two friends grew up together, they went on to live in different places. Saori went to college at the University of Virginia and moved around the U.S. and Canada before moving to London to start her own business. When she was crafting her company’s mission and figuring out how to incorporate Japanese culture in an honest and real way, she called Marii, and they reconnected “in a different and even more intimate way.”
“I often find that we can go back to our old selves when we reconnect with friends from the past,” she says. “When we came from a [place of] genuine curiosity and exploration of our own experiences growing up, it was as though I was seeing parts of Marii that we never got to explore when we were children.” They talked about expectations, authenticity, and what they want to do in their lives, leading to rich, fun, and meaningful conversations. “It’s as though our childhood friendship laid the foundation, and this time around, we got to build the friendship house.”
A similar experience happened with Katherine Black and Meredith Martindale, who met in school at the age of 5 and shared many childhood experiences and moments in their hometown of Durham, North Carolina. It wasn’t until after attending different high schools and colleges and moving back home, though, that they truly became friends — even after knowing each other for close to 20 years.
Katherine reconnected with Meredith by reaching out to her on Instagram after seeing that she had gone on a camping trip that spoke to her interests. They kept running into each other around town, and after finally agreeing to hang out, they discovered that they are both deep empaths, drawn to creativity, and have an aversion to shallow conversations. They also both struggled with making friends post-college, and Meredith says hanging out with Katherine was instantly like “hanging out with an old friend.” This is when they began to know each other more deeply — and experience their transition from a social friendship to what they call their “soul friendship.”
“Though friendships change through life events and circumstances,” they tell Shondaland in an email letter, “we are hopeful for the presence of each other through our days. Through the good and the bad, the ebbs and the flows, the highs and the lows, the give and the take — our friendship is one that cuts straight to the soul.”
Vellos shares that “most of us can think of numerous friends or coworkers from the past that we really enjoyed having in our lives and that we’d love to reconnect with.” She encourages those who are craving a friendship revival to dig back through the roster of former or faraway friends and send a warm-hearted invitation to rekindle the flames. “Sooner or later, the spark is bound to catch with at least one of them, and the warmth it brings to both your lives will make the effort completely worth it.”
How to reignite an old friendship
Share a memory
“One of the sweetest ways to rekindle an old friendship is to reach out to your old friend from a spirit of cheerful appreciation that invokes the warmth of reminiscing,” Vellos says. You can let them know you’ve been thinking about them and acknowledge that it’s been a long time since you talked, but that you would love to reconnect — if they’re up for it.
After not seeing each other for almost 10 years after she immigrated to the U.S. from South Korea, Jinah Choi did just this with her best friend from middle school. They initially bonded because they have the same first name and came from the same town. Jinah ended up flying to see her friend and stayed with her for a few days, and says they chatted like they’d never been apart. “It was so great to learn what she’s been up to over the years over good food and adult beverages. We barely slept! But it was well worth it,” she says.
Vellos gives an example of a script someone might use when wanting to reach out to an old friend: “The other day I was thinking about how much fun we used to have when we [fill in the blank with a memory that applies to you both], and it brought a smile to my face. If you’re up for reconnecting, let me know anytime — I am here for it!” If you have one, sending an old photo of your favorite memory together is a wonderful addition.
Address the past
Much like Reginé and Jarrod, Julaya Antolin rekindled an old friendship with her best friend after eight years apart — with an apology. “The falling-out happened due to a mental-health crisis I had that she couldn’t deal with,” she says over email. “As I studied Buddhism [and] gained deeper empathy, I called and apologized. We are great friends again now!”
If your friendship faded because of a fight or falling-out, a reconnection might be a little trickier to kick-start — but it’s not impossible. Vellos says to “reach out with the same warm and compassionate energy as in the previous example.” If you think an apology is due, Vellos says that it’s time to give it. “Remember that an apology is about taking responsibility for your actions that contributed to things going south — it’s not about defending yourself or making excuses.”
In this situation, it can be especially helpful if your message ends with something along the lines of “Please don’t feel any pressure to respond if reconnecting isn’t something you want to do. I’m open to hearing anything you want to share. I really valued you as a friend back in the day, and I’d love to welcome in a new era for our friendship based on how we’ve evolved and grown during our time apart.”
Embrace the possibility and accept any outcome
“In either case,” Vellos says, “remember that an invitation to reconnect is simply that — an invitation. Just like you sometimes receive invitations that you want to turn down, your friend might not want to accept the invitation to reconnect, and that’s their right.” In many cases, it’s not personal, and they just may not be in a place where they can or want to reconnect with the past right now. If you don’t hear back — or even if you do — give yourself a pat on the back for going out on a limb and trying. The good news is that there are plenty of old friends out there who are willing to reconnect with you — and may be yearning for a friendship revival with you too.
Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter @hotmessmia.
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